A Shakespearean Spat

I can imagine a scene in which we have a married man and woman, both Shakespearean scholars, involved in a marital spat with each other. During the course of the verbal sparring, they hurl invectives back and forth taken from the various plays of Shakespeare As you read the lines, you might want to use your best Glenda Jackson voice for the woman and your best Anthony Hopkins imitation for the man.

HE: A monster, a very monster in apparel (The Taming of the Shrew)
SHE: A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you bring me? (Henry IV Part 2)
A villain with a smiling cheek, a goodly apple rotten at the heart (The Merchant of Venice)
HE: A whitely wanton with a velvet brow, with two pitch balls stuck in her face for eyes (Love's Labour Lost)
SHE: Ah, you whoreson loggerhead, you were born to do me shame (Love's Labour Lost)

HE: Am I your bird? I mean to shift my bush (The Taming of the Shrew)
SHE: Away, you three-inch fool (The Taming of the Shrew)
As ass head and a coxcomb and a knave, a thin-faced knave and gull (Twelfth Night)
HE: As I told you always, her beauty and her brain go not together (Cymbeline)

SHE: Certainly, there is no truth in him (Antony & Cleopatra)
God and good men hate so foul a liar (Pericles, Prince of Tyre)
HE: Have you no modesty, no maiden shame, no touch of bashfulness (A Midsummer Night's Dream)
SHE: He has not so much brain as ear wax (Troilus and Cressida)
Heaven truly knows that thou are as false as hell (Othello)
HE: O curse of marriage, that we can call these delicate creatures ours, and not their appetites (Othello)

HE: O disloyal thing, that shouldst repair my youth, thou heap'st a year’s age on me (Cymbeline)
O tiger’s heart wrapped in a woman's hide (Henry VI Part 3)
SHE: O you hard hearts, you cruel men (Julius Caesar)
HE: O, ho, monster (The Tempest)
O, were mine eye bans into bullets turned, that in a rage I might shoot them at your face (Henry VI Part 1)

HE: Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon (The Merry Wives of Windsor)
Out of my sight, thou dost infect mine eyes (Richard III)
Out, dunghill (King John)
SHE: Out, you mad-headed ape. A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are tossed with (Henry IV Part 1)
HE: Peace, ye fat guts (Henry IV Part 1)

HE: Pray you, stand farther from me (Antony & Cleopatra)
She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults (The Two Gentlemen of Verona)
She is peevish, sullun, forward, proud, disobedient, stubborn, lacking duty (The Two Gentlemen of Verona)
SHE: Slave, souless villain, dog ! O rarely base! (Antony & Cleopatra)
Tempt not too much the hatred of my spirit, for I am sick when I do look on thee (A Midsummer Night's Dream)

SHE: There is neither honesty, manhood or good fellowship in thee (Henry IV Part 1)
Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood (King Lear)
Thou has no more brain than I have in mine elbows (Troilus and Cressida)
Thou misshapen Dick (Henry VI Part 3)
Vile worm, you were overlooked even in thy birth (The Merry Wives of Windsor)

HE: Wedded be thou to the hags of hell (Henry VI Part 2)
Were I like thee, I would throw away myself (Timon of Athens)
SHE: Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knott-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow catch (Henry IV Part 1)

HE: Why, thou full dish of fool (Troilus and Cressida)
Would thou were clean enough to spit on (Timon of Athens)
SHE: Wretched, bloody and usurping boar (Richard III)
You are not worth another word, else I'd call you knave (All's well that ends well)

I think this couple is in serious need of marriage counseling.

Note: I put together this scene for the contribution my wife and I will make to the entertainment at tonight's party. We are going to do this scene with my wife doing the voice of Glenda Jackson and I, the voice of Anthony Hopkins.

A Greeting Card to Remember

Generally speaking, I am not a great fan of greeting cards, simply because so many of them carry a meaningless generic message like “ Here is wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.” The thought is always appreciated, but with a little effort I think that those who send a greeting card can find one with a verse that conveys a sentiment that is a little more exalted.

This Christmas I looked through at least two dozen cards to find one that would let my wife know that I love and value her during this season. The one I found has a picture of a poinsettia bloom on the front of the card and it reads” A Special Christmas Message For You, Dear Wife.” When the card is opened it says, “At Christmas, it’s my turn to express how deeply your love has changed me; and although you know it, I hope you’ll never tire of hearing me say, “I love you, again and again. Merry Christmas, Sweetheart.”

I was feeling rather proud of my choice of a Christmas greeting card until I read the one my wife gave me. On the front of the card, it shows a couple taking a stroll through a tree-lined snow path, with their tracks trailing behind them. On the outside of the card, it reads “My Husband, My Partner, My Friend.” When one opens the card, the following message is revealed: “Merry Christmas to the man I feel so lucky to be walking through life with - the friend who’s laughed and dreamed with me as we’ve made our way together; the partner who’s been right there beside me, steady and strong, even when the path hasn’t been easy; the one who can still thrill me, just by reaching for my hand. Merry Christmas to the wonderful man I love.”

Now, which one of us do you think is better at choosing a Christmas greeting card?

The Worst Opening Sentence in a Novel

Considering that the “Peanuts” comic strip has been around for fifty years, we all should be familiar with Snoopy, the world’s most talented beagle that always aspires to be the writer of the world’s next great novel. We have seen him feverishly working day and night at his typewriter on top of his doghouse. The only problem is that in all that time, Snoopy very seldom gets beyond the first line of “It was a dark and stormy night.” Probably most of the readers of that comic strip do not associate that first line with this opening sentence of a novel written by Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton was, among other things, a 19th century English novelist who is remembered mainly for coining such phrases as “the great unwashed”, “pursuit of the almighty dollar”, “the pen is mightier than the sword” and last, and most remembered, “It was a dark and stormy night.” He wrote in a florid style filled with extended metaphors, which was popular at that time. Today his name is known as a byword for bad writing. In fact, San Jose State University started the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest in 1982, and it has continued until the present day.

Contestants who participate each year try to write the worst opening sentence with the most overblown metaphor they can imagine. This rambling 70-word sentence which follows by Mariann Simms of Alabama, the prize winner of the contest in 2003, compares the embrace of lovers to a piece of cheese. It is an excellent example of an overblown metaphor used in the worst possible opening sentence for an imaginary novel:

"They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white ... Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently."

Here are some more of the best of the prize winners from 1982 - 2005:

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit molding her body, which was as warm as the seat covers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven--fueled by a single accelerant--and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road, a man like Alf Romeo.
--Rachel E. Sheeley, Williamsburg, Indiana (1988 Winner)

The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job.
--Bob Perry, Milton, Massachusetts (1998 Winner)

On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet-paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape, a degree of annoyance that Angela had now almost attained.
--Rephah Berg, Oakland CA (2002 Winner)

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.
--Dan McKay, Fargo, ND (2005 Winner)

Please feel free to attempt your own worst opening sentence to a hypothetical novel. Remember that it must be only one complete sentence with an overblown metaphor.

Here is my contribution:

John and Marcia suddenly realized how deep and enduring was their love for each other, how they belonged together like eggs and bacon for breakfast or like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, not just any eggs and bacon, mind you, but Egg Beaters pasteurized eggs with no fat, no cholesterol, and less than half the calories of whole eggs, served with Farmer John bacon, thick sliced; and not just like any peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but a Skippy crunchy peanut butter sandwich with Welch’s grape jelly smeared liberally on top, and they vowed that nothing would ever separate them, not even death, for they knew at last that they belonged together for all of eternity.

The Light in Our Lives

Several people in our neighborhood have remarked this season about the lack of outdoor Christmas lights and decorations. This year will mark our sixteenth Christmas in this neighborhood and after dark in the past, the hillsides and streets at this time of year were ablaze with outdoor Christmas lights. This year, however, with a few exceptions, this neighborhood looks like it is participating in a
World War II blackout.

A homeowner on one of the distant hills has been noted each Christmas for displaying the title of a Christmas carol in blazing six-foot red letters overlooking the park. Last year he posted "Deck the Halls". This year he displayed "Bah Humbug". What is going on here? How can one account for the lack of lights and the negative outlook?

I think the lack of lights and the sour mood are an indication that a lot of people are despondent this year. The daily reports of the unrelenting carnage in Iraq, the ethical lapses in our government, the growing disparity between the wealth of the rich and the poor, the fear of terrorism engendered in our populace by our government, the militarization of the nation, the unimpeded growth of corporate power and its influence on our government, a feeling of disconnectedness from the total community - these might be just a few reasons some people have less of the Christmas spirit this year.

Speaking of lights, just a few days ago we experienced the Winter Solstice, a time when the sun seems to stand still in its southern journey and then start its northward trek once again. During this time of year as we celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah, greeting each other with “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Hanukkah,” we need to pause for a moment to see that both of these holidays are related to the appearance of light.

Thousands of years ago, before science could explain the apparent annual journey of the sun, when people saw the sun moving farther south each day with the darkness increasing and the light waning, they grew fearful. What if the sun did not return? The plants and animals would all die, and the world would be plunged into darkness. Thus, darkness became equated with death, and light became associated with life. Winter equaled death and despair, and spring equaled life and hope.

Solstice, as stated before, means “the sun standing still.” The return of the sun to its journey north gave hope to early man and led to celebrations and winter holidays. Over 4,000 years ago, the Egyptians celebrated the Winter Solstice as the “the birth of the Sun.” The priests would emerge from shrines at midnight on the Solstice to shout, “The Virgin has brought forth! The light is waxing!” Two thousand years later, this story was adapted as the birth of Christ, with Jesus replacing the very similar Persian Sun god, Mithras.

During the month of December we have two great religious traditions celebrating a holiday - Christmas and Hannukah. More than we might realize, these two religions have much in common with light playing a very important role in each.

Hanukkah is a time for all Jewish people to celebrate the victory over the Syrians, who demanded Jews not to be religious. The Syrian king, Antiochus, ordered them to worship Greek idols and to abandon their customs, their religion, their God, and their beliefs. This was one of the many times in Jewish history that a brave person decided to stand up to this harsh order. One of these people was Judah the Maccabee (which means hammer) and his four brothers.

"The Maccabees" as Judah and his brother's army is called, fought the Syrians for three years and drove them out of the Holy Land of Israel. The Jewish people were finally able to rid the holy temple in Jerusalem of the Greek idols and reclaim the temple as their own once again. Once the temple was totally cleaned, Judah and his brothers wanted to light what is called an eternal flame, a flame that was lit in every Jewish place of worship. The cause of much celebration was that a miracle happened and the oil lamp, or menorah as it's called in Hebrew, stayed lit for eight days when the Jews only had enough consecrated oil for one night.

The story behind the celebration of Hanukkah is a beautiful story. It is about a miracle, about bravery, and about faith. There is a spiritual message in the metaphor, which is that the Jewish faith, like the oil, is inextinguishable. Another message that might have some relevance for us today is that strength founded on military power alone is temporary; but strength founded on moral courage, on spiritual might, and a belief in the ultimate power of goodness can never be destroyed.

The story behind Christmas is also a beautiful spiritual message about how the “Light of the World” was born to a homeless teenage Jewish girl who, through the miracle of an immaculate conception, was pregnant with God’s child, and who was on the road with her husband traveling over a hundred miles of very rugged road to Bethlehem to register for the census. When they arrived in Bethlehem, her husband Joseph could find no place to sleep at the inn. Finally, he found a cave-like place where they could rest. This place was used by shepherds to protect their sheep in stormy weather. It was here that Mary gave birth to the Savior of mankind in a lowly stable among the livestock. In this manner the greatest of kings was born in the most humble of places. That's revolutionary. It's saying that power is not a physical power. It's not riches, it's not money, it's not control of governments and nations. It's a deeper power of spirituality. The miracle continued with healings and finally in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

These two holidays - Christmas and Hannukah - share many traditions:

The Jewish story of the menorah and the oil goes back over 2100 years.
The Christian story extends back nearly 2000 years.
Both faiths are about miracles, about bravery, about families coming together to avoid adversity.
Both stories are timeless.
Both stories involve devotion to God and goodwill.
Both stories involve goodness, charity, and hope.

Both stories are about giving and sharing with friends and others.
Both stories involve God’s miraculous intervention in the lives of people.
Both stories involve gift giving.
Both stories are celebrated with the burning of candles.

And finally, both faiths can be connected to the Winter Solstice. Both faiths represent the triumph of light over darkness. The Jewish faith represents the triumph of faith over adversity, while the Christian faith represents the triumph of life over death.

Ultimately, whether one treats the Hannukah and Christmas stories as accounts about miracles or about metaphors depends upon one’s faith.

I wish all the Christian bloggers on Blogstream a Merry Christmas, and I hope the Jewish bloggers had a Happy Hannukah (December 16-23). For those of neither faith, Happy Holidays. And may God bless us, everyone, everywhere.

Two Christmas Songs

Quick! Answer this question within ten seconds. What are the two most-played secular Christmas songs in the United States? Congratulations, you got it - “White Christmas” and “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire).” It is interesting to note that these two songs have much in common:

1. Both were written by Jewish composers
2. Both composers were of Jewish-Russian stock
3. Both were written in California
4. Both were written in a very short time

Irving Berlin, a Jewish composer who immigrated to the United States from Russia, overcome with nostalgia for his New York boyhood and a holiday he had shared with a gentile friend, wrote “White Christmas” in one all-night session. The story goes that Irving Berlin was inspired to write the tune while driving to his Palm Springs, California residence during the holiday season .

At this point, let us consider the lyrics to the song:

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white"

Bing Crosby crooned the song in a 1942 film titled “Holiday Inn”. The recording by Crosby did not include the introductory verse, which one can find in the sheet music:

The sun is shining, the grass is green
The orange and palm trees sway
There's never been such a day in Beverly Hills, L.A.
But it's December the twenty-fourth
And I am longing to be up north

Obviously, the song is about an individual who finds himself in California on Christmas Eve. He is nostalgic for the snow he left behind up north (in this case, New York). As you can see, without the introductory verse, the song does not have quite the same impact and meaning.

Let us also not forget that this song was written in wartime and first performed in public by Bing Crosby on Christmas Day 1941, just 18 days after Pearl Harbor. While featured in the film "Holiday Inn" (later remade as "White Christmas"), it was Armed Forces Radio that made the song a big hit with U.S. troops abroad, expressing their longings for home and hearth. Berlin called his composition "a peace song in wartime," and 65 years later, it's still working the same charms.

Mel Torme, who with Bob Wells, gave us “The Christmas Song”, was born in Chicago, and was of the same immigrant Russian-Jewish stock as Irving Berlin. “The Christmas Song,” recorded by Nat King Cole in 1945, has been a holiday classic ever since. Let us look at the lyrics:

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows some tofu and some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of toys
And goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really know how to fly

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although its been said
Many times, many ways
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to.. You!

Actually, when Mel Torme wrote this song, he was not roasting chestnuts on an open fire. Instead, he was roasting in the July heat at Toluca Lake in the San Fernando Valley region of the City of Los Angeles. Mel saw these lines written on a pad on the piano belonging to Bob Wells:

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos.

It was a hot day and Bob Wells (born Robert Wells Levinson) was a Jewish musician friend who had been trying to cool down by writing just those four lines. Later, Mel Torme and he sat down and finished “The Christmas Song” in 40 minutes. From there, history was made.

So today, we can enjoy two secular Christmas songs, both written by Jewish composers.

Questions:

Are these two songs your favorite secular Christmas songs? If so, why?

If these two songs are not your favorite secular Christmas songs, please list a couple of favorites in their place and tell us why you like them.