Who Was Right?

Not long before our nation launched the invasion of Iraq, our longest-serving Senator, Robert Byrd of West Virginia, stood on the Senate floor and said: "This chamber is, for the most part, silent—ominously, dreadfully silent. There is no debate, no discussion, no attempt to lay out for the nation the pros and cons of this particular war. There is nothing. We stand passively mute in the United States Senate."
(Book Excerpt: The Assault on Reason by Al Gore)

"This will be no war -- there will be a fairly brief and ruthless military intervention.... The president will give an order. [The attack] will be rapid, accurate and dazzling.... It will be greeted by the majority of the Iraqi people as an emancipation. And I say, bring it on."
(Christopher Hitchens, in a 1/28/03 debate-- cited in the Observer, 3/30/03)

"We're proud of our president. Americans love having a guy as president, a guy who has a little swagger, who's physical, who's not a complicated guy like Clinton or even like Dukakis or Mondale, all those guys, McGovern. They want a guy who's president. Women like a guy who's president. Check it out. The women like this war. I think we like having a hero as our president. It's simple. We're not like the Brits."
(MSNBC's Chris Matthews, 5/1/03)

"He looked like an alternatively commander in chief, rock star, movie star, and one of the guys."
(CNN's Lou Dobbs, on Bush's 'Mission Accomplished' speech, 5/1/03)

"I will bet you the best dinner in the gaslight district of San Diego that military action will not last more than a week. Are you willing to take that wager?"

"Do you all remember Scott Ritter, you know, the former chief U.N. weapons inspector who played chief stooge for Saddam Hussein? Well, Mr. Ritter actually told a French radio network that -- quote, 'The United States is going to leave Baghdad with its tail between its legs, defeated.' Sorry, Scott. I think you've been chasing the wrong tail, again.”
(Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, 1/29/03)

"It won't take weeks. You know that, professor. Our military machine will crush Iraq in a matter of days, and there's no question that it will."
(Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, 2/10/03)

"I warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, Mr. President, you better prepare the American people for casualties," Pat Robertson told CNN's Paula Zahn. But Bush said, " 'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties,' " Robertson related. [Newsday]

A Scream Dream

A few years from now most Americans will have a very large empty TV screen hanging on a wall. Its prominent blank stare will prove to be boring and unattractive, so something will have to be done to alleviate the situation.

Now to the rescue comes Screen Dreams with six DVDs that run like a movie on a continuous loop. Screen Dreams will fill that blank space with your choice of two aquariums, a waterfall, butterflies, a beach, and a fireplace. These choices can even be mixed, so that one might have soothing music and bubble sounds to go with the aquariums. And best of all, there are no aquariums or fireplaces to clean. Now those families that live in a house without a fireplace can enjoy the image of burning logs in a fireplace while listening to a crackling sound.

In my scream dream I am relaxing in the family room in an army-tank-sized Naugahyde-covered chair surrounded by artificial plants and trees in front of a large wall-hanging TV screen showing a fireplace with a roaring, crackling sound, as I pour myself a glass of Kool-Aid and begin reading the stirring biography of Anna Nicole Smith. The horror of horrors!

What would be your worst scream dream?

Don’t Blow Your Whistle So Loud

There is a saying that it’s a rich man’s war and a poor man’s fight. I have just finished reading a newspaper report about Bunnatine “Bunny” Greenhouse, who was demoted in 2003 for whistle-blowing about a no-bid $7 billion oil repair contract awarded to Kellogg Brown and Root (KBR), a subsidiary of Halliburton. Before her demotion, she had been a top civilian procurement officer with the Army Corps of Engineers. In that role she supervised defense contracts worth $23 billion.

What this principled government employee most objected to was that KBR officials had helped the Army Corps of Engineers draft the oil field restoration plan for Iraq, giving them an unfair advantage over their competitors. In addition, the company received a two-year contract with an option for a three-year extension without any future bids from competing companies.

In 2003, Mrs. Greenhouse testified to Congress that the contract awarded to KBR was the worst case of abuse she had ever witnessed. For her efforts, a few weeks later she was demoted, with the commander of the corps saying that she was removed "based on her performance and not in retaliation for any disclosures...that she may have made." Mrs. Greenhouse now reports to work to the people who used to work for her.

Cheney retired from Halliburton during the 2000 U.S. presidential election campaign with a severance package worth $34 million. Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) asserts that Cheney's stock options -- worth $241,498 a year ago -- are now valued at more than $8 million. Concerns have been raised regarding the possible conflict of interest resulting from Cheney's deferred compensation and stock options from Halliburton.

The older rich men continue to get richer as a result of war, while the younger poor men and women, most of them in their twenties and some still in their teens barely out of high school, fight and die in the battles. That, or they come home with physical and/or mental impairments that will handicap them for the rest of their lives.

The Origin of Dogs and Cats

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the origin of dogs and cats.

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG, God spelled backwards.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.

All About Adam and Eve

SETTING: GARDEN OF EDEN
TIME: DAY

Adam is sitting under a tree, scribbling something on a piece of paper. Eve approaches.

Eve: Adam.
Adam: What, dear?
Eve: Adam, we need to talk.
Adam: (sighs) About what?
Eve: You know perfectly well about what. You spend too much time with that animal-naming project of yours, and the rest of the time you’re off talking to God.

Adam: But Eve, the animals need names, this is important.
Eve: I’m sure it is, but we don’t spend time together anymore, you hardly even talk to me.
Adam: Eve, we don’t need to talk, what we do together is much more fun than talking.
Eve: That’s all well and good, but we hardly even do that anymore either. Is it me? Am I getting fat?
Adam: No, you’re fine. Well, you could cut down on those bananas a little, but other than that you’re great. I’m just really busy, that’s all, so couldn’t we talk about this later.
(Silence)

Adam: (muttering) Aardvark, that sounds good, I really have to tell God about that one. (Scribbling)
Adam: (muttering again) Platypus, am I good, or what? That’s one of my best.
(Eve is about to leave; she hesitates...)

Eve: Adam, what will you do when you finish naming all the animals?
Adam: (looking up from his work) Oh, well, I was thinking about inventing a game or something.
Eve: A game?
Adam: Yeah, you know, something fun to pass the time. I mean, eternity is a lot of time to pass. I was thinking of something along the lines of a round object and some posts stuck into the ground. And the word “Goal” comes to mind, I haven’t really worked out all the details yet. Anyway, I really need to get back to work, so could you, like, go count some flowers or something?
(Eve storms off in an angry huff, and sits down on a bench beneath the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. She stares off into the distance. After a time, a snake slithers up.)

Snake: Eve, you don’t look so hot, what’s up?
Eve: Oh, Snake, I’m so depressed.
Snake: Have you tried the happy mushrooms?
Eve: Yes, those are great, but they don't seem to help. The problem is, Adam hardly even looks at me anymore. He’s not even interested in rumpy -pumpy, if you know what I mean. I’ve tried everything, putting flowers in my hair, wiggling my hips when I walk, and – nothing. He spends altogether too much time talking to God, and he even has the best job. He gets to think up names for all the animals, and what do I get to do - count flowers. Everyone wants to know what the animals are called. After all it’s not the same to come across a rabbit than a bear, but who cares how many flowers there are.

Snake: Yeah, I know how you feel. God gave the lizard legs and movable eyelids, and what do I get? I have to slither around on my belly and I can’t even close my eyes. Okay, the forked tongue thing is pretty cool, but the rest sucks. And don’t think I haven’t tried complaining or anything. God is just too busy talking to Adam all the time to listen to me.
Eve: You’re right, we didn’t get such a hot deal, did we?
Snake: Hey, I have a cunning plan. I think I know how we can fix this whole mess.
Eve: What? You mean there’s a solution to our problems?

Snake: Yeah, look, if you just eat one of those Forbidden Fruits, I think everything might change.
Eve: But those are the Forbidden Fruits; God specifically told us not to eat them.
Snake: Did you actually hear God say that?
Eve: Well, no. He doesn’t usually talk directly to me. He told Adam, and Adam told me.
Snake: So, you see, technically God didn’t tell you not to eat the fruit. Maybe Adam misunderstood, maybe God told him you shouldn’t eat too much, so as not to get a bellyache.

Eve: You’ve got a point there. So, if I eat the fruit, Adam will stop talking to God all the time?
Snake: I’m not so sure about that, but God will probably stop talking to Adam.
Eve: And what’s in it for you?
Snake: Well, if God weren’t so busy with Adam, he might find some time to give me some legs.
Eve: But then you’d be a lizard.
Snake: I’m cool with that. Anything would be better than slithering around on my belly, it’s just so undignified.
Eve: Well, OK (picks a fruit, and takes a bite) Mmm, this is the most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted. You should try some.
Snake: No thanks, I’m more into mice myself.
(At this moment, Adam strolls up and sees Eve with the apple in her hand.)

Adam: Eve! What have you done? You know God doesn’t want us to eat that fruit!
Eve: No, you mean YOU know God doesn’t want us to eat that fruit. Technically, he never told me anything. I mean, I wasn’t even there when he told you, so…
Adam: Eve! That excuse is just not going to cut it with God. He was very serious about this. A rule’s a rule, and he’s not big on making exceptions, it goes along with being a Supreme Being and all. What should we do?

Eve: Well, you know him better than I do. After all, you spend most of your time talking to him.
Adam: Oh, so that’s what this is all about. But there’s no time to get into that right now. We have to think fast. Maybe we should pretend nothing ever happened, yeah, that might work. After all, it was just one tiny apple; he might not even notice. So, I’ll just casually walk away, and if he asks, we’ll just say we don’t know who ate the apple. Oh, and Eve, go cover yourself up a little, you should be ashamed of yourself for walking around like that.
(Adam walks off, whistling nonchalantly.)
(Once God has discovered what they have done, and as they are leaving Eden...)

Eve: This is so unfair! It was your man who got me into this, after all. If Adam had paid just a little more attention to me, I would have never listened to that snake, who, by the way, is also one of your creations.

God: Yes, I know it seems unfair, but rules are rules. And I was never altogether happy with the whole snake idea, I should have scrapped it right on the drawing board. I knew it was bad news as soon as I laid eyes on it, but no one's perfect, even me. It's just that my mistakes are divine mistakes. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re not the only woman who will ever be mislead by a man; you’re just the first.

Eve: Well, couldn’t you just kick Adam out and leave me here?
God: No, you’d just be bored silly for all eternity alone in this garden. I also need you to keep Adam in line for me.
Eve: Well, OK, but will I at least get a better job out there, or is it going to be more of the same dumb jobs I’ve had in here?
God: Sometimes it may seem like you get all the dumb jobs, but between you and me, we both know who is boss. Your job, and the job of your future daughters is the most important of all, you need to keep the men in line, and at the same time let them think they’re in charge. It’s not an easy job, but I’m counting on you. Don’t worry, I’ll be sending my son along one of these days to make sure things don’t get out of hand.

Eve: Couldn’t you send a daughter instead? That way maybe we women could get some better jobs.
God: If I sent a daughter, the men might not listen. Men’s primitive minds can’t handle the fact that women are in charge, but having a man as a leader, now that's something they can wrap their minds around. It’s kind of like the thing about angels, they’re all metaphorical, you know. The garden, the fruit, the whole thing's just metaphorical. It's just easier for people to understand that way.
Eve: So, the suffering we’ll be doing outside the garden , will that be metaphorical as well?
God: No, that’ll be quite real. Eating the metaphorical fruit has very real consequences. But don’t worry, it'll all work out in the end, and if you play your cards right you can even come join me later on.
(Adam and Eve pass through the gate.)

God: Oh Eve, before you go, a bit of advice. Teach your daughters to play hard to get, it works every time (winks metaphorically).

This story was written in Spain by someone named Theresa.