Stories About Remote Loves

First, a story about a remote love lost and then found again:

One night, after Jack and Jill had retired for the night, Jill became aware that something was different this night. They usually sat up in bed and watched "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno before going to sleep. But this night did not run its usual course. Jill suddenly sensed that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

Jack started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

Jack continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time Jill was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. Jack stopped abruptly and returned to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.

Jack whispered back, "I found the remote."

Definition of a remote control:

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

• Remote Control - is female, because it gives a man pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

I don’t think remote controls promote a sedentary lifestyle. Most people exert more energy looking for the remote than they would by just getting up and turning on the TV.

Remote controls are very valuable. They let you see that there’s nothing on TV worth watching a lot faster.

Ten Top Stupidest Places to find your Remote Control:

10.)In your Fish tank.
9.)In those old Pizza Boxes.
8.)In the Trash Can.
7.)In the Refrigerator.
6.)In the Toilet.
5.)Stuck between the Couch Cushions.
4.)Duct Taped to your dog.
3.)In the Microwave.
2.)In your bag of potato chips.
1.)Wedged up your behind.

“Back in the old days, when I was a kid, we had it rough. And when I say ‘the old days,’ I mean the late eighties and early nineties. Oh, sure, we didn't have Super Nintendo. We just had Nintendo. But we didn't care. Eight bits was enough for us.

“These kids now, though, they don't appreciate what they have. They act as if there's always been stereo TV and CD players with remote controls. Well, in my day we didn't have CD players with remote controls. If you wanted to change the track you had to get up off the couch and push the button yourself. And that was good! It kept us strong! Not weak, like these simpering little turds three years younger than me and my friends.

We didn't have fifty-seven channels of TV... no, there were only thirty, and they were in mono. It was fine! We had to use our imaginations to try and figure out what would have been on those twenty or so extra channels if they existed, and what it would have sounded like in stereo. It was good! It brought families together.”
--- Excerpt from “100 Years of Subatomic Humor” by Paul Mather

Digital Eden -- An Updated Myth

Long ago there was a perfect workplace. It was inhabited by beings who called themselves "workers." They were happy and content in their labors. Though their life continued in a routine fashion, it was also harmonious. In their innocence they did not distinguish between male and female, between different ages, nor ethnic backgrounds. They worked side-by-side unaware of their differences. There was no boss or employee, only workers.

One day during lunch break, God appeared with a magic collection of boxes. He said, "Behold workers of Eden, I have given you a place to dwell which knows not the difference of work and play, nor other distinctions like male and female. This place can remain a paradise if you obey the rules.

I am giving you these magic boxes for use in a distant future. Someday, when you are ready, we will use them to change the way you work... but not now. The boxes must first learn from you as you toil. Just continue as you have; ignore the little boxes for now."

It was a mighty temptation.

Later, a serpent with dark horn-rimmed glasses and unwashed, greasy hair appeared. He called himself Billy the Gate. Billy approached one of the female workers, asking, "Did you notice the switch on the box? If you flick it on, the CD-ROM will come alive and perform miracles for you."

But the woman was not impressed, and remembered how the last serpent had gotten her in trouble with an apple. She returned to her work. "Did I mention that it comes with a remote control?" Those words caught the attention of a male worker who rushed to the box and flipped on the switch.

A terrible churning and grinding was heard as a hundred billion boxes now booted up their hard drives. An eerie glow emanated from the glass monitors. The light was so intense it lit up every corner of the workplace. Now for the first time, people could see the differences in anatomy, age, and race. They became conscious of their positions in the workplace.

Eventually all the workers donned an appropriate uniform to match their occupation. They also divided into different political parties, formed unions and management associations. They ceased eating together (except at Christmas). Many began to find their work boring and tiring. Others became distracted and disgruntled, and the first complaint box appeared.

Then people called lawyers filed sexual harassment, discrimination, and wrongful practice lawsuits. Work continued to grow poorer in quality as people began to work by the hour and for something called money.

As time wore on, the difference between work and play grew more distinct. People soon took refuge from their labors in something called the weekend. Eventually, even the weekend became a hectic affair.

Many eons later, Billy's smiling interface appeared on all the screens at once. He announced something called "Windows 95." He ended by suggesting, "Leave the work to me and my machines."

When God saw what his employees had done, he was greatly angered. He sent down robotic angels to carry out his wrath. They destroyed Eden and all of its inhabitants except for one woman and one man.

Then God spoke, "I cast you out of Eden's Workplace to wander aimlessly forever in search of work." Today, the man and woman spend endless days filling out applications, writing resumes, and networking with the beasts of the world. And though they have searched for permanent work these many eons, they can only find temporary positions in the year 2007.

Now, in the 21st Century, we find a great irony - machines are busy working, while humans huddle and wonder about their future.

Did You Know? (Insurgency)

Did you know that al-Qaeda fighters make up only somewhere between 4% and 10% of the estimated 30,000 insurgents in Iraq - 1200 to 3000 fighters out of 30,000? Both the United States and Iraq "feed the myth" that foreign fighters are the backbone of the insurgency. Even though our President never misses an opportunity to mention the Iraq insurgency and al-Qaeda in the same breath, over 90% of the insurgents are homegrown Iraqis. To refer to the foreign fighters as al-Qaeda so casually and with so little basis (other than the fact that U.S. military officials now do so) is misleading and propagandistic in the extreme.

At a South Carolina Air Force base on July 25th of this year, Bush mentioned al-Qaeda and bin Laden 118 times in 29 minutes, arguing that the violence unleashed by the U.S. invasion in Iraq would somehow come to America’s shores if U.S. troops were to withdraw. “We must fight them there so that we don’t have to fight them here” represents the bumper sticker mentality that has been used so successfully by the Bush Administration in justifying his surge strategy.

But the truth is that the majority of the violence in Iraq is caused either by Iraqis murdering each other for religious reasons or by Iraqis trying to throw off the American occupation. The group that calls itself al-Qaeda in Iraq is only one of a multitude of factions creating chaos in that country, and the long-term goals of its Iraqi members are almost certainly not in line with those of the headquarters of al-Qaeda (which is safely ensconced in Pakistan).

The term al-Qaeda is now used to designate all those we fight against and kill in Iraq. The media have followed right along, stating that US forces are killing and capturing al-Qaeda leaders and fighters. This claim supports one of President Bush’s reasons for invading Iraq - that it was supporting al-Qaeda, although the fact is that the al-Qaeda fighters didn’t start arriving until after Iraq was attacked.

This propaganda apparently has been very effective. Even though 15 of the 18 terrorists involved in the 9/11 attack were from Saudi Arabia, many, if not most, Americans still associate 9/11 with Saddam Hussein and Iraq. As a result, President Bush still has some die-hards who think he was justified in attacking Iraq for that contrived reason.

Perhaps we should start referring to those people as the American sheeple - baaing and bleating with patriotic fervor as they are being fleeced and having the wool pulled over their eyes.

Did You Know? (New Army)

Did you know that in an effort to avoid reinstituting the draft, our government is resorting to other tactics? The number of casualties in Iraq and the extended tours of duty have made it more difficult for recruiters to meet their monthly quotas. Many parents are dissuading their children from joining up, because they have lost their faith in the war and fear that their loved ones will die or be maimed in vain.

Did you know that the U.S. ground forces are increasingly made up of a motley mix of under-age teens, old-timers, foreign fighters, gang-bangers, neo-Nazis, ex-cons, inferior officers and a host of near-mercenary troops, lured in or kept in uniform through big payouts and promises?

Did you know that the military recruiters are offering enlistment bonuses as high $20,000 "QS" – or “Quick Shipper” -- to new and prior service recruits joining, selecting any job and shipping out for training within 30 days? A $40,000 enlistment bonus is being offered for those documented but poor Americans looking to put themselves directly in harm's way for three years as an Army infantryman or explosive ordnance disposal specialist.?

Did you know that the military has lowered its sights on who can qualify to join the military? In July, almost 40 percent of all military recruits scored in the bottom half of the armed forces' own aptitude test.

Did you know that in 2004, the Pentagon instituted a "Moral Waiver Study", which opened the recruitment doors to potential enlistees with criminal records? In February of this year, the Baltimore Sun wrote that there was "a significant increase in the number of recruits with what the Army terms “serious criminal misconduct” in their background" – a category that included: "aggravated assault, robbery, vehicular manslaughter, receiving stolen property, and making terrorist threats."

Did you know that the military is now allowing more applicants with gang tattoos to enlist because they are under the gun to keep enlistment up? It has also been noted that gang activity may be rising among soldiers.

The former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld once said, “You go to war with the army you have—not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.”

I have a better idea. The next time our nation considers going to war, let us have a free and open debate on the matter in Congress followed, if so decreed , by a formal Declaration of War, and the establishment of a draft. Any future war worth fighting is worth spreading the pain among all our citizens and not just the one percent of our population, as we have done in this war.

Then we can say that we are going to war with the army we both want and have.

Did You Know? (Iraqi Oil)

Did you know that recently there was a second round of talks between the United States and Iraq regarding one of the required “benchmarks” written by the United States and primarily benefiting U.S. oil companies? The law required by this benchmark would subject two-thirds of Iraq’s oil to foreign control through contracts that could last up to 30 years. Under this benchmark, foreign investors would receive 70 percent of oil revenues, and Iraqis would receive 30 percent.

In order for Iraq to continue receiving reconstruction aid from the United States, the law created by this benchmark must be adopted by the Iraqi parliament. On July 22, thousands of Iraqis took to the streets to protest this law. Now the Iraqi parliament has gone into summer recess until September 4, just two weeks before General Petraeus is due to report to Congress and make recommendations on the success of President Bush's new Iraq strategy. I wonder if the Iraqi parliament is trying to tell us something?

Hmmm. Silly me. In all this time, I thought the real purpose of the U.S. presence in Iraq was to bring democracy to that nation.

Did You Know? (Wealth)

Did you know that in the United States today, the income of the top 300,000 taxpayers is more than that of the bottom 150 million Americans?

Did you know that the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans own more than the bottom 95 percent, according to a Federal Reserve Study?

Did you know that the top 10 percent of income earners in the United States own 70 percent of the wealth?

Did you know that Congress passed a measure in 2003 to lower the tax rate on most dividends to 15 percent from as high as 38.6 percent and to lower rates on most capital gains from 20 percent to 15 percent.? That measure was set to expire in 2008 but will be extended through 2010 under an agreement reached in 2006, at a cost to the Treasury of $21 billion over five years and an additional $30 billion between 2011 and 2015.

Did you know that President Bush's tax cuts have given over 93% of their benefits to large corporations and well-to-do households with over $250,000 of annual income (about 10% of the U.S. households)? Moreover, President Bush's tax cuts are abolishing taxes on such asset-based income as stock dividends and capital gains. He is opposed to taxing management aristocrats' self-dealt stock options (salary payment in kind).

Did you know that since 1990, the overall CEO-worker pay gap in the United States has grown from 107-to-1 to last year’s 411-to-1? Minimum wage workers have lost 9 percent after inflation in the same 15 years. If the minimum wage had risen at the same pace as CEO pay, it would now stand at $22.61 per hour, almost four times the current $5.85.

Did you know that since the “War on Terror” began, CEOs at the top 34 military contractors have enjoyed average paychecks that are double the compensation they received in the four years leading up to 9/11?

Did you know that the federal government gives billion of dollars of tax breaks to corporations for the salaries of CEOs?

Did you know that 37 million Americans are living below the official poverty line of $19,971 a year for a family of four?

Did you know that the number of poor people in America has increased by 5 million over the past six years?

Did you know that more than 90 million Americans, close to a third of the nation, squeak by on incomes that are less than twice the official poverty line?
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Did you know that working a 40-hour work week, 52 weeks a year at the present federal minimum wage level earns a worker $12,168, which is $7800 below the poverty line for a family of four?

The United States in 2007 has become a very unequal place.

Only twice before over the past century has 5 percent of the national income gone to families in the upper one-one-hundredth of a percent of the income distribution - currently, the almost 15,000 families with incomes of $9.5 million or more a year. Such concentration at the very top occurred in 1915 and 1916, and again briefly in the late 1920s, before the stock market crash.

The "Gilded Age" in American history refers to the post-Civil War and post-Reconstruction era, from the 1870s to the 1890s. It was characterized by materialism, political corruption, a blatant display of wealth, and a growing disparity between the incomes of the wealthy and those of the working class.

Welcome to the New Gilded Age.